Well, promos are looming just ahead. Still, I'm kind of online now, so it shows how much I care about promos. I mean, I've yet to start to history, lit and econs. I'm going down.

It probably should be the focus of my life now, but there are still monkeys on my back I've yet to shake off.

---

Seems like recently, many students have been facing repurcussions of blogging about higher authorities than themselves. Not Bertrand-esque "you're the prettiest girl in arts fac" repurcussions, but still pretty bad nontheless. Which is laughable, since we're essentially looking at 2 groups of stupid people at odds with each other.

Firstly, we have the students. Firstly, half the time they do not get their facts right before they start on their ranting and raving, which often either goes unnoticed or ends up being a moot point. Then they proceed to say every bad thing they can tangibly think of about these higher authorities. This is, of course, done without the consideration that teachers and principals alike, no matter how old, wrinkly and ancient they may be *thinks of maths lecturer who still uses OHPs* still know how to use the computer and internet. They did put the "world wide" beside the "web" for a reason, you know. Stupidly enough, they don't know enough to even attempt to disguise it and make it an inside thing.

Then, we have the teachers, or old people who pretty much have egos so fragile that even a single scalding comment that MIGHT be a reference to them sparks of a massacre of student bloggers, despite them PROBABLY being smarter, more experienced, and supposedly more professional. What they don't notice, of course, is that forcing students to take down these so-called offensive posts often reflects even worse than them, which obviously might ignite more teacher-hate posts on other blogs.

That's pretty much the short argument. Would be saying more, but in a nutshell students outside of school can't be controlled, why try?

---

He sighed.

The past few days have been nothing short of utterly stupid, crazy and pointless. And probably worrying.

I haven't slept a wink since 6am yesterday. That's about 39 hours already? Granted, it's a far cry from my personal best of 70 hours, but it's still quite tiring. Studying overnight isn't too healthy. Ecspecially not at the airport.

*aside* It's amazing how many MJ people you can see at the airport on any given day. Even in the dead of the night I could still sight random MJ people about. Some of them stop at the last train home, some wait for the first train the next day, some take a taxi, and some don't stop at all. Imagine my surprise when 2 weird people I happen to recognize showed up at five. Five goddamn am. I mean public transport hasn't even started running and they're here already? Granted, they didn't help matters much either. This of course, refers to studying matters strictly. *ahem*End aside*

---

Worrying matters - a) I am going to fail my econs essays. I just know it. b) Mr Chua says I am going blind, which of course is not good for a tired and overly paranoid brain. And of course there's c) irrational fears of anything and everything. Oh and Silas if you're reading this if you tickle me in that gay manner again I swear I will bash your face in. =)

---

Aston Villa is playing Chelsea this weekend. Bets, anyone?

---

People intrigue you everyday. The past few days I've been trying to get into people's minds. If they even have those nowadays anyway, provided they haven't gone out of fashion. Seems like everyone with half a brain is seen as abnormal these days.

---

Going on 40 hours awake now. Whooptee- doo.

As the promos approach, I find myself drawing back. Into the shell where I can hide, peeking out at the world around me occasionally. Into a world of solitude, where people don't talk to me, and I don't talk to people. It's not like I have anything meaningful to say anyway. Things are probably better this way. If they saw what's in my mind, they would be afraid.

Trusting people has yet to do me any good, why start now? As long as I have what I need, I'm okay. Sure, being left out does have its effects, but quite frankly none of that really matters. Friends come and go, but the only thing in life that stays constant is yourself.

---

Living alone does have its merits. Life does seem a whole lot more relaxed. No parents or siblings to nag, hog anything I might want to use, or get in way. Perhaps solitude is the best way to go.

Well, once I have an income anyway.

---

Even with something new in his life, there was nothing he could do to avoid the old pair of shoes. THAT old pair of shoes. Everyday he would walk past, and find himself staring at them. They would stare back, and he would turn away. The memories were too painful.

There was nothing he could do to avoid her in school. Everyday he would pass her one way or another, and somehow, his gaze would be drawn unwillingly. She would turn back and look, but by then he would have already have stolen his look and tore his head away. Even though they had buried the hatchet, or claimed to do so, one couldn't muster up the will to talk to another.

All because he had waited too long, and done all the wrong things.

He remembered back when nothing seemed to really matter, when he could skip classes without fear of weird teachers breathing down his neck, when his friends seemed to be a transient stage in life, when he could do things without fear of backlash, knowing it would, at most, turn into idle gossip. When playtime was everytime. Back when they could have a normal conversation. Back when he could have gone out with her, turned back ,and see his friends cheering him on. Back when he did not have to worry about scandals. When freedom was the covert agenda of his life. When he could do what he wanted. When he wasn't alone.

How he missed those wonderful days.

Going back to school is boring, as always. Eyes felt tired today. Erg. Not too fun.

What was fun, however, was dodgeball. Even if the balls were soft, randomly hurling stuff at people with no consequence is alwys fun, no matter how you look at it.

---

What can I say, recent events can only lead to one conclusion.

"Shit happens."

---

The story so far...[Or rather, I am too lazy to write tonight so i shall just post a recap, and the chapters are too short on their own anyway.]

He was tired, flustered and panicky as he rushed to switch trains. It was the first meeting ; The last thing he wanted to do was screw everything up by being late.

He looked up at the electronic screen. 4 minutes. He heaved a sigh of self-defeat. He was going to be late, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. Shattered, he leaned against a pillar, aghast and disgusted with himself, preparing to wallow in self pity.

Then he felt a vibration in his pocket.

"Hello?"

The very sound was bursting with life and vibrance, threatening to engulf the deathly grey world that was spreading like a virus in his heart.

===

"Hello?"

Hia face barely twitched and his voice barely wavered from the deadpan tone he had mastered from long ago as he replied. He would hate to sound too excited, or too apologetic. Later on, he would feel like kicking himself. She deserved better than that.

Upon promising her that he would reach the appointed place in a matter of minutes, his legs shook and the blood started rushing all over his body. The blood pumped through his veins with a fury that only came when he was really nervous. He would not let anyone know it, but he was in fact looking forward to it more than before.

5 minutes later...

As the lift doors opened, he strolled towards her in a very nonchalant and relaxed matter. Rather, he walked normally, since he always looked indifferent anyway. Except his hands were sweating, but he knew he could hide it.

[The following is probably highly exaggerated. What actually happened shall be inserted in these brackets, for purposes of showing what rose-tinted lenses can do to a person.]

He didn't even have to call out; She turned around to look at him almost as if it was natural. [She was looking around and happened to see him.] As she turned, the dark and dreary shopping center almost seemed to sparkle with her brilliance as her hair drifted in the air like it was defying gravity ; Such was her magnificence that it almost seemed to defy earthly laws that were defined since thousands of years ago. [ She turned around, and it was somewhat obvious she was having a bit of a bad hair day. ]

She looked at him with eyes that were so sweet that he was certain he would melt under their gaze if he were a block of butter. Thankfully, he was made of sterner stuff, but it took all he had to meet the gaze of that pair of jewels that were radiant with life and purity.

And then she spoke.

===

The moment she spoke, he knew that all the worry he had of experiencing her wrath was simply unfounded ; Her voice, after all, was only the beautiful one he ever heard, like a ray of light piercing through a canopy of black clouds and subsequent parting it so that everyone within its shining brilliance could bath in it and feel blessed. He could definitely let go and relax himself here.

He couldn't stop smiling all day. He wondered if he spend his life as a man named Ghandi, because he certainly did not deserve to be in presence right there and then. Still, he took what he could, and the day went perfectly well. It ended of with a warm smile ; One of those smiles that made you feel like you could take on the world, one that would last through an entire winter without ever faltering, but most importantly, one that made him feel good.

Once he turned to go home, the smile vanished from his face, and was replaced with a look of weariness. How could the world compare now? He didn't even feel a tinge of anger or sadness as when he got home, he realised someone had been wearing an old pair of shoes that used to belong to him. But it didn't matter, he had a new one now.

Unbeknownst to him, things were only going to go downhill from here.

===

He was sad. Slightly flustered, in fact. After the void period, contact with her had decreased. Often, conversations would end abruptly, and they both barely had time to sustain one even when they had the time to start one.

His mind would often drift off in the middle of supposedly more important things, and he found himself thinking of her too often. Even if he was staring at the teacer, often the topic at hand was the last thing on his mind.

But he knew she wasn't the type to engage in earthly pleasures such as these at such a stage. No, her mind, just like her heart, was made of gold too. Besides, he was too much of a coward to approach such a subject directly. Then again, everytime he used the indirect approach things went screwy. Yet, he still longed to see her, to talk to her, to laugh to hear, even if his heart bled from the sheer feeling of helplessness of not being able to grab the apple of his eye when it was right in front of him.

Then he realised the feeling. She wasn't like any of the previous ones ; She warmed his heart, stimulated his mind and honeyed eyes. She didn't know it, and he wouldn't admit it, but he was in love with her.

But did it matter?

Stayed at home the entire day today. Didn't do much mugging, as usual. A bit of maths, followed by frustration, and then the act of random stationery hitting the wall at high speeds, then music blasting out from a computer.

Rewatched love actually, thanks to Amanda. Such a nice movie. =)

---

The amount of work I have left to do stays the same, while the time left before the promos is decreasing. Well, this doesn't look good. Not with distractions aplenty and complications abound.

---

He was sad. Slightly flustered, in fact. After the void period, contact with her had decreased. Often, conversations would end abruptly, and they both barely had time to sustain one even when they had the time to start one.

His mind would often drift off in the middle of supposedly more important things, and he found himself thinking of her too often. Even if he was staring at the teacer, often the topic at hand was the last thing on his mind.

But he knew she wasn't the type to engage in earthly pleasures such as these at such a stage. No, her mind, just like her heart, was made of gold too. Besides, he was too much of a coward to approach such a subject directly. Then again, everytime he used the indirect approach things went screwy. Yet, he still longed to see her, to talk to her, to laugh to hear, even if his heart bled from the sheer feeling of helplessness of not being able to grab the apple of his eye when it was right in front of him.

Then he realised the feeling. She wasn't like any of the previous ones ; She warmed his heart, stimulated his mind and honeyed eyes. She didn't know it, and he wouldn't admit it, but he was in love with her.

But did it matter?

Well, my parents are going overseas later, which will leave me alone at home till sometime next week, I have no idea anyway.

Is that good or bad?

---

With the rampage of the promos turning from a dot on the horizon turning into a Godzilla-sized monster heading for us toppling buildings, eating people and stomping on cars on the way, worry almost seems to become a given portion of our daily lives. I always tell people it's not that hard to get promoted, and they will get promoted unless they actually try to fail.

But I don't believe what I tell people. And every day I wonder, what am I going to say to them if they actually do fail the promos? God can't do shit then.

---

The moment she spoke, he knew that all the worry he had of experiencing her wrath was simply unfounded ; Her voice, after all, was only the beautiful one he ever heard, like a ray of light piercing through a canopy of black clouds and subsequent parting it so that everyone within its shining brilliance could bath in it and feel blessed. He could definitely let go and relax himself here.

He couldn't stop smiling all day. He wondered if he spend his life as a man named Ghandi, because he certainly did not deserve to be in presence right there and then. Still, he took what he could, and the day went perfectly well. It ended of with a warm smile ; One of those smiles that made you feel like you could take on the world, one that would last through an entire winter without ever faltering, but most importantly, one that made him feel good.

Once he turned to go home, the smile vanished from his face, and was replaced with a look of weariness. How could the world compare now? He didn't even feel a tinge of anger or sadness as when he got home, he realised someone had been wearing an old pair of shoes that used to belong to him. But it didn't matter, he had a new one now.

Unbeknownst to him, things were only going to go downhill from here.

well, since I'm more in a blogging mood today...

We played dodgeball for PE yesterday. The only gripe I had was that A)The balls weren't hard and B) The groups were too small, so it wasn't as fun as it should be. Oh, and C) Playing with girls isn't always fun., no offence taken I hope.

Chinese lessons are getting more and more crappy, which is good. Apparently, we were supposed to do a zuo wen yesterday, but we ended up talking about youth dating and other random subjects, such as how he has a Vietnamese wife who isn't a whole lot older than me and a 1-year-old daughter since he couldn't find a Singaporean woman good enough for him(or vice versa). Certainly did leave me bemused.

Which of course made me wonder if marraige was something mandatory. I mean, if no woman or man suits your taste, that's the way it should be. Why go to some obscure Asian country and drive for 6 hours to find a spouse that you probably aren't going to love? Well he did come back with stories to fill 2 periods with, so I wasn't about to complain about it. Better him than us anyway.

Anyway, the best thing I took out of the lesson was that if I ever went backpacking or something I should go to Vietnam, since I can probably have a lobster and more for just over a dollar.

---

Denys and John appeared in the papers. Aside from them not being the most photogenic people in the world, I don't know what else to say about it other than my ex-trademark line of they only won because I didn't enter.

---

Oh, we celebrated Reyneth's birthday too. In true boys' school fashion. I would try to describe it, but words honestly do not describ the experience well enough. All I can say is that I feel unfulfilled and we probably could have done more for him. Right, Rey? =)

---

"Hello?"

Hia face barely twitched and his voice barely wavered from the deadpan tone he had mastered from long ago as he replied. He would hate to sound too excited, or too apologetic. Later on, he would feel like kicking himself. She deserved better than that.

Upon promising her that he would reach the appointed place in a matter of minutes, his legs shook and the blood started rushing all over his body. The blood pumped through his veins with a fury that only came when he was really nervous. He would not let anyone know it, but he was in fact looking forward to it more than before.

5 minutes later...

As the lift doors opened, he strolled towards her in a very nonchalant and relaxed matter. Rather, he walked normally, since he always looked indifferent anyway. Except his hands were sweating, but he knew he could hide it.

[The following is probably highly exaggerated. What actually happened shall be inserted in these brackets, for purposes of showing what rose-tinted lenses can do to a person.]

He didn't even have to call out; She turned around to look at him almost as if it was natural. [She was looking around and happened to see him.] As she turned, the dark and dreary shopping center almost seemed to sparkle with her brilliance as her hair drifted in the air like it was defying gravity ; Such was her magnificence that it almost seemed to defy earthly laws that were defined since thousands of years ago. [ She turned around, and it was somewhat obvious she was having a bit of a bad hair day. ]

She looked at him with eyes that were so sweet that he was certain he would melt under their gaze if he were a block of butter. Thankfully, he was made of sterner stuff, but it took all he had to meet the gaze of that pair of jewels that were radiant with life and purity.

And then she spoke.

< /part 2>

I would blog now, but life dictates that there is nothing to blog about other than huge chunks of work waiting to devour me, so I shall not bore my poor readers with yet another dose of work-filled bloggage.

---



He was tired, flustered and panicky as he rushed to switch trains. It was the first meeting ; The last thing he wanted to do was screw everything up by being late.

He looked up at the electronic screen. 4 minutes. He heaved a sigh of self-defeat. He was going to be late, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. Shattered, he leaned against a pillar, aghast and disgusted with himself, preparing to wallow in self pity.

Then he felt a vibration in his pocket.

"Hello?"

The very sound was bursting with life and vibrance, threatening to engulf the deathly grey world that was spreading like a virus in his heart.

</Part 1>

In the few days that I have not blogged, I have pangsehed people who wanted to play pool, not done much(if any) homework, realized that Integration is a bitch, found myself lagging behind in studies, raced against time and lost, and resolved to stop a bad habit which doesn't seem to be working yet.

Yet, there seems to be more reason to smile nowadays.

---

The promos are drawing near, and yet I do not feel any compulsion to bury my nose in my books. In fact, I feel like playing now more than ever.

---

I have my new Creative Zen Neeon! (yes, it's actually spelt this way.) Haven't tested it yet though, since I do have a phobia of making new stuff spoil. Other than having to make the trip all the way to Jurong to buy it, which was pretty fun anyway, all in all it was a fun trip. Still, I have my Zen Neeon! In dark blue too. Then again, it's so small, and it's going to be in the pouch more than 75% of the time, so I doubt the colour really matters.

---

Random note : No matter how fast you rush, it is impossible to get from Pasir Ris to PS in 30 mins.

Random note #2 : No matter how inactive your tagboard is, there are always more people reading your blog than you know.

Random note #3 : No matter how secretive you are about your blog, it will get found out eventually. Also, more people have blogs than you would realize.

Random note #4 : VS doesn't seem to be going co-ed anymore, judging from the lack of news.

Random note #5 : Not knowing how to play tennis properly can result in painful wrists for days.

---

A new product is entering the market. I think.

I think I need more self-discipline. I did 3 questions of integration, got frustrated, and threw it to one side. And that's pretty much all the studying I did today. It's times like these when even the most retarded of things seems more important and interesting than whatever's on the desk.

On a brighter note, however, I just got 25/30 for a maths test. It's going to go a long way towards helping me not get retained. How I managed to do that without cheating, I have no idea. I probably shouldn't push my luck, though. Except for differentiation, everything else is going into my brain at glacial speeds.

---

I'm this close to dropping history |--|. I really am. I don't understand a thing LVM is saying, I hate the way the history department has to be so anal about missing lessons when they should have pre-empted it anyway, I don't like being forced to write at lightning speeds, and it's quite unlikely that I'll be able to keep up the fluke O/D of the mid years. Also, dropping history would make my life a lot better. Then maybe I'll be able to get that S paper for econs/lit that I want. Lit does seem kinda far away though. Shakespeare is a bitch.

On the other hand, call me stubborn, but I don't like the idea of going down to 3 subjects. Almost as if I wasted my effort on History all the way. It's not like I'm not coping anyway. Just a few pulsing headaches every now and then, that's all.

---

In this world, what you see never really is what you get. You never know when someone is bitching about you behind your back. Or rather, as I've recently found out, when someone is going to betray you and kick your ass while you're facing the other way. At this point of time, all the faith you put into that particular person becomes tainted, flushed into a black hole, never to surface again. I guess as people drift apart they become less secretive about what they know. Life's a bitch that way. People don't see you the same way after they know stuff.

Needless to say, it's going to be a while before I start trusting anybody again. After all, nobody can stab your back while it's against the wall. Even if I might have no route of escape, with "friends" like mine, running face-first into random walls are probably a better alternative.

And of course, after all this happens, seeing the bad side of people becomes a whole lot easier. I would start bitching now, but then this would probably get out, which is not good for me. See what I mean?

---

My mind's a blank right now.

Well, a new blog skin is up. The bright red is gone, the happy music is now muted, and instead me have a mishmash of grey and white. I guess this kind of reflects me too, since life, as wonderful as it is, isn't as colourful as it's advertised. As a matter of fact, it's pretty damn dull now, since I'm in a state of limbo where I don't have anything to do. Where everything I have ever used as a cover or a decoy to distract myself from the troubles in my face is ripped off, and now all I see is this dull world in front of me.

So how do you like me now?

(On a side note, this entry was written at a point of time where I was feeling somewhat provoked. Also, I switched the skin in the library, when I had nothing better to do. Nice? Well at least it's something new after like 2 years of corny midi music and national-day themed bloggage.)

Lessons learnt from yesterday (written on an extremely bad headache)

1) Don't drink too much. This, of course, comes from a guy who holds his liquor as well as a piece of tissue paper holds water. Of course, this might be because vodka is somewhat strong. Uh, 40% alchohol IS strong right? After a few cups I couldn't think straight for hours. Heck, I couldn't even hold a pack of cards properly and I walked into a door, forgetting to turn the knob. Sid was worse of course ; He practically lost half his body weight by puking the night away. Thank God for black trash bags; the green vomit in the mcdonald's plastic bag was almost certainly not a pretty sight.

2) Heck, don't drink at all. Not only does it make you lose control of yourself, it doesn't even taste good, and it probably makes you even more thirsty.

3) Spray paint is not good for health either. I swear I almost went high smelling that foul stuff.

4) Some things are better done while drunk. Thinking too much is often bad for the brain. Even more so when you turn out to be wrong.

5) Never ever listen to stories about haunted toilets. Thanks to Bushi I had to hold my pee for eleven hours straight. And then I feel asleep on the toilet bowl.

---

Well, after yesterday, many chapters of my life closed at once. Now I feel like a librarian without books. Time to go find a new life.

If life before was a downward spiral, then life now must be the equivalent of a direct plunge downwards.

I mean, life does give you enough shit as it is, with unreasonable deadlines and demanding school schedules. But when life decides to single you out as the Garang one and decides to give you special treatment, it makes you feel helpless. Right now, I feel about as empowered as a moth trying to battle a forest fire.

Ann Koh cried in class on friday. It was strange as she talked about losing a friend not too long ago. While it's more or less typical of me to keep an expressionless look, all I could think of was Deja vu. I guess something did get through to me. Things just got put into perspective.

Everything is so surreal now. The smug belief that no matter what, there would be friends around to lift me up is now gone. I guess I've learnt to make full use and cherish what I have now, lest I wake up tomorrow and find it gone. I don't want to regret anything. Not anymore.

Today was her last day.

We sang songs on her deathbed today. And she wouldn't have had it any other way. She left the world to happy faces instead of tearful ones. Good memories of her, we shall keep. And if she were alive, she wouldn't have wanted us to mourn her death either.

The years I've known her she's brought nothing short but joy, laughter, wisecracks, dumbass-cracks and an escape from reality that people like me seem to be needing in ascending frequencies. But as all good things need to come to an end, I guess someone up there simply thought she was too good for this world and plucked her up. It's ok I guess ; She was ailing all the while, and the unhealthy habits did nothing to help the situation, so it's probably better that it ended early for her.

In her final breaths I got a letter from her. I still dare not read it, lest I am flooded with emotions again. I shall not read it till the near future.

---

MJ is a bitch. A two-day holiday prior to today is not a good excuse for having lessons from 8 to 6, and probably longer than that. I simply lost interest halfway through the day, and went completely off the curve sometimes, almost as if my own brain decided to find a new host.

The Be Yourself Day celebration at MJ was kind of weird. I mean who has a GP test on teacher's day? I'm thinking practically nobody took it seriously. At least I know I didn't. You know you're not concentrating when you're whistling happy tunes while you write. At least nobody noticed, or there would be a further argument about me being weird, apart from smiling to myself randomly and making off-tangent remarks.

There were many bands performing at the concert. While these bands all had different names, they were, in fact, the same people. It looked absolutely stupid when the MCs introduced a new band and all that happened was one person walking in and taking the guitar from another. This would of course, pale in comparison to what happened the next day, but more on that later.

Everyone went crazy. I was pretty much speechless as most of the girls decided to dress like the ideal dolls of a five-year-old, or a seventeen-year-old males's worst nightmare. Oh well, better them than me, I guess.

---

There were too many things going on at VS, so I shall make random notes.

1) Even though it was teacher's day, none of the classrooms had teachers in it. This could have been because...

2) People were throwing stuff up and down. Yep, water bombs. Heck, some of them even got impatient and just dumped the pails of water from the 4th to the 2nd floor. I think I saw a couple of chairs flying around too, some upwards in fact.

3) One of the sec 3 classes bought a bikini for their teacher and told her to change into it in class. How she managed to get out of that corner, I won't know.

4) Ronin performed as the first item. He massacred the Victorian Anthem, cursed APC over the co-ed thing, and spoilt a microphone stand on the way. It nearly turned into his own concert, had the PA system not cut him off after about 15 minutes of non-stop "music", even if it was mostly screaming, and even then he continued on for a while. Of course, guai sec 1 and 2 boys didn't know what was going on so they didn't help the atmosphere much.

5) Also because of Ronin, the rest of the people performing seemed like crap. And it didn't help that everyone decided to try and be a rock band. I mean, it's teacher's day, not show off day, fools. Slops go to the sec 1 boys who tried to be simple plan.

6) Half the teachers evacuated to the relative peace and quiet of the staff room, leading to many an empty seat, which were later filled by opportunistic old boys.

7) PM chua actually showed up, albeit minus the limousine.

---

It really sucks to see a friend on her deathbed, and not being able to do a thing about it. I swear if I had tear glands I would be crying.

---

Perhaps I really messed up this time. I'll just pretend I have better things to worry about. Maybe when I look back everything will be gone.