disclaimer : This is purely satirical, do not take seriously. You have been warned.

Teach less, learn more backfires as teachers experience decline in health

Singapore - The current education system in Singapore will have to be remodeled, said Lo Mai Kai, Director of the Ministry of Education in Singapore, after a widespread epidemic affecting only teachers sparked a need for robots, computers and biscuits as substitutes.

"Due to the teaching less, we have realised that the students aren't actually learning more and that being irrational does indeed backfire at times," said Mai Kai, 45, who is in his fourty-fifth year of service. "Because of this, the academic standard of Singapore has dropped, causing depression among teachers everywhere, though I must stress that it is always the student's fault, and never the teacher's."

One school that has been badly affected in particular is That School Where All the Smart People Go(MJC, a completely inaccurate abbreviation). There, the dismal grades of students have cause a rapid decline of health in teachers, causing them to "Age more, enjoy less". In a recent survey, spa visits, facials, liposuction, makeup consumption and facial overhauls have all gone up as result of bad results from overzealous students. One of the teachers available for comment is Wanton Mee, the Head of Economics in MJC. "It's terrible,"she says."Half of my teachers have blown arteries marking the essays of our students. The other half have been locked in padded cells after laughing uncontrollably". Later investigations show that the English Literature papers and Economics papers were switched mysteriously, and everyone under suspect are coincidentally students as well.

Regarding the current scheme, Kang Kong, a year 2 student who takes Physics, Chemistry and Further Mathematics, with S papers in History, Chinese Literature, Economics and Social Studies, had this to say. "it's obvious that the system isn't working. The only students who benefit from this education system are the overly loud-mouthed and inquisitive students, who eventually become opposition candidates. The government is digging their own grave. By having an education system that fails to reward slacking, they are only taking away votes from those too lazy to oppose them. Why, if I ran for president and promised an education system where grades were proportionate to laziness, the president would be packing his bags now."

Regarding the new education system, Lo Mai Kai called on his deupty, Char Siew Pau, to answer queries. "The new education system will not require brains in any form," Said Siew Pau, who admitted that he was still "a little red", proving the inability of the education system to instill a good command of the English language, but this newspaper digresses. "Students will now have to undergo surgery that will make their head similar to a sponge for information, so that while not paying attention they can still absorb whatever is being taught, no matter how irrelevent and meaningless".

In a street interview my Channel NewthAthia, named so by Igotta Lisp, Chor Dai Dee, a truck driver, had this to say. "I thrived under the education system. But when I tried to apply the knowledge I learned at work in my first job as a basketball player, I got beaten up for being 'too clever'. I mean, all I did was try to calculate trajectory of the flight of the ball. It's not justified. I'm all for changing the education system if it produces such rowdy people," He said while sniffing a sticky substance and looking philosophical.

More updates on the new education system will be posted in the near future, and you know what that means. -Routers